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04 August 2010 @ 02:19 am
I know I'm just 23 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I hate kids. Wait I'm sorry scratch that because a lot of toddlers are tolerable. I hate teens the most right now. Am I a bad person for wanting to have the ability to teleport and just BITCH SLAP them so damn HARD? Because I would and it would feel so good.

Damn just wow I just can't believe I've reached this point of feeling this way. Makes me appreciate the ass beatings I got. I know I deserved them. I can see these little bitches crying WHY for it. Spoiled fucks.

Yeah I'm not having kids.
OhmyGod an update! Yes people I am as a matter of fact very much still alive! Who would've thunk it? Thunk. I don't like that word. Thought sounds better. Ahwell.

Life is good now even though several months back it was an extremely bumpy road. Things seem to be set right and I learned keeping things in isn't necessarily a good thing.

But! This isn't a life post nor do I intend to continue posting about serious life issues. That's what my BFFs I see everyday are for. There's nothing at this point I wouldn't just tell them straight up to their face. I've come to feel stuff like these online journals and blogs are more harmful than helpful. And I was always one to believe if you really need to vent to something privately why would anyone think online was a good idea? What happened to paper? You can always burn it after-wards or shred it. Online most of the people that have these things don't even bother setting it to private and if they do the highest they go is friends only where a particular group of people can still see it. And if you do go the extra mile of having it just for your eyes only, the people that manage the site still have your life's history in their hands. Paranoid? Maybe but think about it.

Considering of deleting my journal again. Start a clean slate. Have a new name that I also feel reflects me positively whether people understand the name or not.

Main reason for this post: ranting about my passion VIDEO GAMES. Yeah. What? I don't judge you.

Bummed with EA and DICE at the moment they seem to be doing questionable decisions with their titles for the XBOX 360, whether its Microsofts fault or them has yet to be verified. Because they haven't bothered to give a reason I'm going to blame EA and DICE. L2SpeakUpGuysSeriously.

Medal of Honor Beta: My my this whole Beta thing has been a mess. Extremely disorganized. People getting codes early while others are not, dates for the Beta not being specified clearly, "It's originally for the 21st! No wait we're doing it early! It's the 17th! Wait! No there's a problem it's pushed back to the 21st for this one group! Wait there's another problem! One group! You get pushed back further! You need VIP status, but you don't! You can redeem your codes, but the site is wonky!" Really guys? Why don't you, gee I don't know, not rush the Beta and set the date for everyone? A lot of people feel favoritism between the consoles on this matter. I don't but I am tired of seeing dates moved around, I'm tired of waiting longer to play and I'm embarrassed for you on how glitchy the procedure is.

Battlefield Bad Company 2 Co-OP Onslaught DLC: This new mode was announced awhile back and soon set reassuringly for a June 22nd release. It's June 22nd. It wasn't up this morning. Its okay, its cool. Even though I most of the time see DLC up in the morning, maybe it needed more time in the day before it was put up. It happens. Maybe it'll be up later, right? Nope. Gosh golly gee! Late in the day they put up somewhere on the main site everyone but 360 gets the DLC today and XBOX that was supposed to get it with the rest of the group only gets it "Sometime in the near future" WTF is this suddenly supposed to mean? Usually they right off the bat straight up tell you it's not getting released with the others because of a technical issue on the specific console. Good job guys on your communication skills with your consumers. Not only did you wait til the last minute to let everyone know they're not getting what they rushed home for, you're not even telling them WHY. And you wonder why people scream exclusivity.

At least I have Rockstar with their amazingly well made Red Dead Redemption game. They released DLC too today... for FREE. Oh and it has ACHIEVEMENTS... for, wait for it, FREE. It does make me arc my eyebrow on how they can do that considering Microsoft's stingy policy. Hell I'm impressed though. DLC released exactly on the date it was set for with ACHIEVEMENTS and its FREE. I feel a little respected I guess. I clap my hands for them for sticking by their word and working around Microsoft without having to use a system like Ubisoft's U-Play or EA's VIP/Cerberus network. Even if the DLC is small I appreciate the effort.
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Fences - Phoenix
26 September 2009 @ 07:03 pm
Note to self: Don't miss a day of your medication. This headache is horrible.
25 August 2009 @ 06:00 am

I melted :/
15 August 2009 @ 03:07 pm
If you're going to boot me out of your guild because, oh I don't know, I had a falling out with someone, why not just tell me instead of sneak it?

Oh wait that's the ironic part right? Going to de-friend me here too?

I don't know why I even slightly care. After all I've detached myself from most people and pretty much have already been alone.

End of QQ post.
01 August 2009 @ 12:27 am
Well CYMBALTA sucks. Took it yesterday for the first time and 5 hours later the side effects hit me hard. I was sweaty, I felt extremely hot, my hands felt cold, I felt slightly dizzy and I had a strong urge to vomit. I didn't but even taking sips of water had me pretty close to running to the bathroom.

And when all that shit wore off, I had insomnia the.whole.night. Even when I was able to force myself to knock out I woke back up 10 minutes later.

Because of all this I decided not to take the pill again today. I've had this strange pain in my head though. It felt like a headache trying to form? Its the best way I can describe it. Whether its a good thing or not I don't know since the doctors office is closed Fridays. He should have just let me take the pill earlier during work hours so if stuff like this happened I wouldn't be left in the dark about what the fuck to do.

Sigh this isn't worth getting sick for. I'd rather bawl my eyes out everyday than feel sick as a dog. I want to function, not take something that will limit me even further.
30 July 2009 @ 08:26 am
Well I've been prescribed CYMBALTA and have a weeks worth. I'm finally allowed and technically am supposed to take a pill today at some point, but now I'm having hesitations. I know the doctors don't tell you EVERYTHING about the pill.

So I was wondering if anyone here to the best of their knowledge knows if there's pretty wonky side effects during the treatment, if its extremely addictive and if the withdrawals should I be removed from it are absolutely ridiculous to the point I can't function properly? I feel I might be fucking myself up more in a sense.

22 July 2009 @ 05:06 pm
I swear shit just keeps hitting the fan for me. I don't know if this is some unusual forms of punishment despite what I've been already been feeling, but really? REALLY NOW?

Went to 2 appointments today which count as 3 total, to top off I have 1 more added for next week the day after oh yes another appointment. That's going to be 5 appointments total and I swear to God if nothing has been resolved in some manner for me I'm gonna flip out even more than I already have.

What really pisses me off this instant though is that I am trying to occupy myself when I get dangerously flippy. I decided to put WoW back on for just this month. Well about 2 or 3 days after I activate it, I find out today my account has been disabled due to some unauthorized logger. Having natural paranoia during these circumstances even though I've seen it before just not to the degree where they would actually disable your account for once to prevent further damage, I check the armory for all my characters and all of them have either all or partial of their gear missing. So I got hacked by some gold farmer in the most logic sense. What pisses me off is the convenience in the timing. I activate my account not too long ago and this happens compared to the many years of playing the game safely. What I also found fishy is that Blizzard is offering you advance security protection for their system security flaw, the catch is you have to pay 6 bucks for it.

I'm sorry what? You already get billions of dollars from a massive load of subscribers that pay every month religiously and you're asking me to pay you MORE so you can actually have my account flawlessly protected? Something you should have had implemented ANYWAY a LONG time ago?
15 July 2009 @ 11:04 pm
Finally saw a counselor today. Sat for 45 minutes waiting to be the next one to be looked at. Didn't leave til 6:12 PM. I was there for about 4 hours pouring everything about my current worries, the possible triggers as to why I'm where I am now and a majority of my past to this one man. I bawled my eyes out and I hated it. Hated it because I felt weak in front of this stranger, hated it because of how quickly they fell down. Just hearing the words, "What triggered your decision to be here?" and I immediately lost that barrier I was trying so hard on the way there to hold up. For a split second I thought, "Why are you asking me this? I already told you. I feel I can't cope with the world. I may have mental trauma due to shit over the years. My memory is randomly selective. I can't focus. I'm irritable. When under a great deal of stress I do stupid shit." But I didn't have to repeat that, I instantly told him of the events that happened at the end of last week.

I was not told a guaranteed solid solution for it. Only 'Time', which I've heard more than once. It's easy if you're not constantly thinking about it. Thinking about the final outcome of the whole thing. And knowing what you hope doesn't happen does. That's what makes it so hard. We went over why it was done and even despite his reassuring words it could happen to anyone and that one act like this doesn't make me a monster. I still think I was. I still felt guilt. I don't think he understood what I meant when I kept repeating, "WHO does this to someone close?"

I didn't feel content when I left, but I did feel slightly better. I didn't feel like falling apart. I don't know if crying for God knows how long helped or just going back on my roots. I just know I still haven't gotten over everything.

Got 2 other appointments. One on the 22nd the other on the 29th. Probably for more advance counseling and for determining my treatment. I know I'm getting pills. That was made obvious. Might have to attend a group thing regularly though. I had a feeling.

Grandma makes me nervous. She's hard to read even with that gentle demeanor. I just wish she would just stop looking at me. It's not really helping. Dad still hasn't changed. Offers help but doesn't realize how insensitive he is. Just really says the wrong things even if they seem right to him. Mom is mom. Support seems like a joke.

SSC GED sign ups are on August 26 and 27. Seems like such a long wait when I really want to get started now. Need to figure out what days I want to stick with Monday/Wednesday or Tuesday/Thursday. I don't think it really matters. I just can't believe its only 2 days of the week. The place I went to in Orlando was everyday but the weekend and you left at 1 PM.

Doing a little writing to see how long I can focus and stick with it. Haven't gotten far since I did a lot of research on ONE thing. It's a step. Right.
14 July 2009 @ 10:31 am
Why does my mom say so many lies? Why does she think getting pills means you're crazy? Why do I even care so much about what she thinks and says in front of me and to those around? I know she's the crazy one and I know I'm just confused and depressed. I'm letting this pool of uncontrollable feelings swirl within me again right now. I feel sad, but I won't let a single tear pass. I feel helpless and mainly... I feel angry.

Got an appointment tomorrow at 1 PM. Hopefully when I go in that room its just strictly me and the doctor. I don't know how it works, but I really just want to be alone. Back then I thought if I ever had to see a shrink that someone would be there to hold my hand while some stranger sat and observed me.

I just wish they prescribe the meds the same day.